historyisold

i did something today that made me feel like such a child.
i asked someone for a really stupid favor. and they obliged.
i still can't believe i asked.
my heart is still beating really fast just because i felt SO INCREDIBLY vulnerable for asking.
but it's cool. they're cool. i'm cool.
i can't wait until sunday and i sure as hell can't wait for winter break.
this is the first time nervous feelings ever felt good.
i really love being human sometimes.
there's too much on my mind right now. (fucking FINALS!!)
i can't end this properly. things are jumbled as is.
by the way, will someone believe in God with me? i'm tired of trying to do it alone.

sleepy time.

I've decided to willingly re-live a dark part of my past
in hopes that maybe it will go away.
If not forever, then (hopefully) for a very long time.
I'm only doing it because I think it will work.
It may be easier than I think.
See you on the flip side.

my roommate is black.
he lives in the bronx.
his name is jahammad.
hope he's cool...

I want to yell out to the mountaintops.
I also want to keep my mouth shut when I never can.
It's easily the hardest to do for me these days.

Anyway...
The reason why I'm so frustrated is because people are changing around me faster than I can notice properly.
*as my head surges with uncontrollable agony from the migraine caused by all these silly questions*

Why does it feel like everyone around me gets what they want?
And why do I feel like sometimes people get those things at my expense and the expense of others.
Or is it all a trick?
Are those people just being tricked into getting what they think they want?
Am I just being negative?
Or is this a proper reaction?
Is it all for the better?
DAHHHH!!!
"I hate selfish people," says the black pot.
I know I can be selfish at times, but the degree of deception is silly. Seriously.
Thank God for clean slates because I'm pretty close to going insane.
I've lost several nights of sleep because of all the shit that's going on.

And quite frankly, I'm at a loss for words.
I just don't know what to say or think anymore.
Maybe all of the wrongs will right themselves properly.
Or maybe they won't.
Either way, it'll be a part of my past and hopefully staying that way.

Random (relevant) quote:
“I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.”
~~food for thought.

explanation: i have a system.
it goes: i hate most of the days of the week.
i hate mondays.
i hate tuesdays.
i like wednesdays.
i hate thursdays.
i like fridays.
i like saturdays.
i hate sundays.

k? reasons for the above:
MONDAYS are the start of the week. they suck just for that. also, they remind you of the routine in life because you're basically starting over. i have good mondays once in a blue moon.
TUESDAYS are the absolute worst days of the week. it just so happens i was born on a tuesday. everything about it sucks. it feels like monday, but worse because it's a repetition of that day. also, the week isn't quite halfway, and it's worth dreading.
-WEDNESDAYS are normally called hump day, or whatever. I like wednesdays for some reason. I'm a middle child, and i like all things middle-related. i also like the way it's spelled and that's enough for me.
THURSDAYS are bad, let's be honest. once again the week is almost over, but not quite. it starts with the letter 'T' and i associate it with the dreaded day, therefore, it sucks.
FRIDAYS are days that everyone like. I'm glad to say that i am also one of the people. However, fridays are good except near the end of the school day. they just make me feel like shit. namely because i couldn't care the fuck less about anything in school that day because i blow it off thinking about the weekend. after the bell rings, i'm home free.
SATURDAYS are pretty good. it's like the middle of the weekend basically. so much time for whatever it is you wanna do. no school, too. alot of good things happen on saturdays. and last but not least,
SUNDAYS. These days are the calm before the storm for me. I dont know how to describe it other than that. it just feels eerie, quiet, and empty. the catholic church has made this a bad day in my childhood, so i think me not liking it in general is because of that. i was forced to go to church, get dressed up, got to sunday school after that. sure, whatever. now it just looms over your head the rotten carrot that is monday.

that about wraps up the days of the week for me. my birthday, by the way, is on a wednesday this year. not bad.

Now to get where I was really going with this:
TODAY IS FUCKING TUESDAY!! KAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *sigh*
about my day:
i meant to wake up early to finish my project which is already a day late. i woke up an hour and a half after i intended on waking up. good news is that i finished no big deal. Period breakdown:

-10 MIN. BEFORE SCHOOL: someone tells me that service hours are due today. a signed sheet with contact info has to be turned in. no exceptions. if not, you fail religion 3 quarter instantly...... wow. i mean, i've known this since the 8th grade. but i happened to forget last night. talk about inconvenient. until 5th period, i can't stop thinking about how to solve this problem.
-1ST PERIOD: not too bad, slow and boring. other than that, fine. antsy, though.
-2ND PERIOD: consdiered suicide. realized that was selfish right after i thought it. then i was just depressed as much as a student can be about a single test grade. the kind where this was the one that would redeem you. it was cake, you got maybe one thing wrong. turns out, its the worst grade you've gotten in that class all year. yeahhhhhhh.
-3RD PERIOD: turned the project in, but didn't have his homework. the teacher was in a bad mood, but i was in a worse one. the depression had become hard bitterness towards the world of work during the class change, so when the teacher asked what i did yesterday instead of homework, i replied "I had a very bad day yesterday." the teacher's bad mood was fizzled out by my own and he said, "oh i'm sorry". then it was quiet for the rest of the period (not because of me, just the nature of the assignment afterward.)
-4TH PERIOD: band. this shit was boring as hell today, almost fell asleep. romero mouthed silently at me to shutup across the room at one point. i mouthed back, "bitch!" with a mean face. i win.
-5TH PERIOD: got a paper with service hour guy's contact information. whew. at this point, my apathy level is 100%.
-6TH PERIOD: BIO II TEST...
-7TH PERIOD: not too bad. sure, it's physics. and yes, i normally loathe this class. but, i actually learned the section taught today, did the homework while knowing what i was doing. wonderful. bonded with the teacher a bit, so now he doesn't hate me. not too shabby. he'll give me a D next time around as opposed to the usual.
-8TH PERIOD: so, it's time to turn in those service hours. i'm panicking. i'm slowly flipping out more and more so much so that i can't sit still. i helped out backstage for a show and that's what i'm turning in. is that good enough? will they call to check? will it be questioned? if so, will i have to redo service hours and try not to fail? all those questions at once: pretty daunting on the human psyche. oh, and the serivce hour questionaire sheet in front of me says "5.) What in your service project strengthened your faith in God?" IT WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? THEATRE PEOPLE DONT BELIEVE IN GOD. THE DEVIL MADE THEATRE....yeah, i'm overwhelmed, if anything. i turn it in, the teacher wants each person's description of what they did for their project. "uhh uhh, i was just helping backstage with a show. i helped build the set, too. it was a kids show also. the guy is hard to get in touch with, but there's his cell phone number and email." my teacher then has the balls to say 'he knows this guy'. i did the service hours for brandt. no problem. so if they call him, even if he knows the guy, i still win. i was scared as hell though.

school is done with. for now. so i get home, and shelley starts a fight (verbally) with my dad right as we enter the door in a very passive-aggressive manner about her reading some article that a guy paid his mortgage and wishes he hadn't because now he doesn't get federal aid. well, we paid that mortgage A YEAR AND A FUCKING HALF AGO and now shelley is bitching how this decision was made without her input and she doesn't get to decide anything and that apparantly makes my dad an asshole and also it apparantly makes his passive aggressive (hypocrite?). my dad paid it, by the way, because it was the right thing to do, circumstantially. in other words, my mom thinks that crying and blaming my dad for something that isn't anyone's fault will get her divorce papers. oh yeah, she just wants a divorce because the house she's living in is ugly in her opinion, which by the why, SHE FUCKING CHOSE. what a bitch. if custody was an issue, we'd (landry and i) pick dad. love you to death for being the mom and all, but dad makes the money and dad has sense and lots of reason. shelley does not and thinks that little things matter when they don't and what other people think about her and her family is the most important thing in the world. she believes that how i dress, how poorly my room is kept, where i go to school, what i say, etc., LEADS PEOPLE TO JUDGE HER AND HER ABILITIES AS A MOTHER. WTFSDFKS;DLKFS;DLFKS;DKFS;LDKF;SLDKF;LSDKGOFJGKJFDNV NO YOU STUPID BITCH. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NONONONONONO . THAT IS SO EMOTION-BASED DUMB WRONG SHIT REASONING. dskljfslkdfjslkdjfslkd.

i was in the kitchen while they're having this little fight, making a hamburger. funny how quickly one loses their appetite. anyone want a burger?



in other news: i'm bringing tamagotchis back. go buy a v4 tamagotchi at target.
until next time... -yours truly.

i get to do the college in a US state that i actually want to do it in. yay!
things couldn't be better in jordan-shakespeare-land. well, they could. but they are pretty derned good. i also found out that my good good friend was also accepted. woot!

also, why is "I Love You Because" such an amazing musical. it's the favorite right now.

school tomorrow? who cares. as long as i dont fail :D. (**knocks on wood)

i'll be going to school in new york officially. so if you go to school up there also, let me know ;).

nothing to bitch about lately....


EXCEPT MY MOTHER!!!!!
i just remembered. wow. one sec, let me gather my thoughts.



ok. so it was my grandmother's 80th birthday this past sunday and she paid for all of us (all 23 of us O_o) to come from all over the country to be there. alaska, n. carolina, new orleans. you name it. and when shelley gets there, holy jesus christ i could kill her(not really). i love her sometimes. this trip was not that time.
shelley has a very bad habit. whenever she is in a public place or with family, she has the 100% expected tendency to initiate, insist, and prolong all conversation whenever the fuck possible. no lie, if you start talking to my mother, you age 10x faster then normal. a good example: we're in target one day and she was walking past some sweaters. loudly, because a woman, alone, is also in the sweater area, my mother says, "ooh jordan, these are so nice. come feel this," WHILE FUCKING LOOKING RIGHT AT THE OTHER WOMAN. WHAT THE FUCK. she begins with, i have three boys so its easy to shop for them, they are 16,17 and 18. within 5 minutes, while shelley smoothly operates the entire conversation, is already talking about her three sons but mainly me since i'm right there. she is talking about schools that i attented, the school i'm attending now and all of the colleges i've fucking applied to. she's also covered what i plan on majoring in and what languages she thinks i speak.
~((**for clarification, i speak english fluently. not spanish, french, and japanese, too. she seriously tells people that because A.)i took spanish for 2 years in high school B.) i'm trying to teach myself japanese, but i havent looked at it months and C.) i USED to be fluent in french, now i can only understand bits and pieces so now i'm gonna minor in it.**)~
seriously? it's to rub into the woman's face what shelley thinks is her fucking achievement in life. i had to pull her SLOWLY away by pinching her, kicking her when the woman turned away, and then finally begin piling into the basket all sorts of goodies i later got for xmas. that worked. she talked for an hour in target, ladies and gents. that, to me, is one of the most fucking pretentious and self-absorbed things you can do. in front of me. EDFGJNSD;LFKJGSD;LKFJG;LAFDKJG;LAFJ;G. wow. (end example.)
So we're in new york, remember? and the the adults of the family are playing the socialites they actaully are, and shelley is a sore thumb in this crowd. she isn't blood related like everyone else and she tries too hard. so hard, that everyone notices the exact same thing i notice concerning her habit. runs in the family, i guess. so she follows her natural routine of catching everyone up with how things are in her life (or the lack thereof). same as above: the schools, the languages, etc. she usually mentions that emeril (yes, emeril lagasse, that chef guy) is my older brother's godfather but they all know it. but she couldn't help this time talking about how we lost everything in the hurricane, "we don't know where we're going to live next because i'm thinking of moving out of the house we're in now." BULLSHIT. ps: everyone except shelley is over the hurricane. it's one thing to tell people, it's another to exaggerate on the whole katrina experience. anyway, there was an entire week of shelley talking most of the time and everyone else some of the time. really.
so sunday comes along and its plane rides for everyone back home. just our luck: we get stuck in chicago for 5 hours due to delays. whatever. shelley was being good about her habit. until....
she makes her move on some schmoe going (alone) to a medical technology conference in new orleans. for the last hour she goes through the usual routine on this guy. i'm sitting on one side of shelley while the schmoe sits on the other. and when she finishes one of her sentences i stop her and whisper to her the occasional [angrily so], "stop talking to him," "stop telling people about me and my life," things like that. and she doesn't stop talking, but she isn't talking about me anymore. well, an annoucement is made about the plane arriving soon. a family behind us in line for boarding line A passes us up while we are just standing up. the teenage kid of the family of four has a jesuit sweatshirt on. they end up standing right in front of us, so shelley calls the guy an asshole loud enough so that only he can hear. I. AM. PISSED. so she starts loudly calling jesuit parents scum in her own way. i don't give a rat's ass about jesuit and brother martin rivalry and neither should anyone else. so in the corridor that leads to the plane, shelley says something again about jesuit people being dirtbags or whatever and how their actions are the proof. I yell out, "Just, stop it." And she turns to me and point with gritted teeth and has the balls to fucking further embarass me and say, "YOU BETTER NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. AND YOU BETTER NOT FORGET WHO YOU ARE." of course, NOW the heads turn. jesus fucking christ shelley. she made a point not to sit next to me. oooh i'm scared.
firstly, i won the war already. because i'd rather her be openly angry with me than with innocent people who just want to get home, too. the jesuit parents? they thought we were sitting and not waiting in line. get over it. also, i'd like to remind all of the frustrated sons and daughters of the world that they are responsible for choosing their parents' nursing homes when they become elderly and senile. think happy thoughts. :) and shelley? oh she apologized for losing her temper and fussing. do the witnesses of shelley's blind fury know that? of course not. because she wanted to show what little power she has over me just before i go off to college. tsk, tsk. well, she has few friends, gets depressed and/or angry whenever i go out, and talks about me wherever she goes to whoever is within earshot. there you have it. the sad, mid-life crisis ridden life of shelley shakespeare. on that note: "So sad to bee arr arone in da wudd." [[i couldn't help myself.]]

cheers to being young AND restless.

i get to do the college in a US state that i actually want to do it in. yay!
things couldn't be better in jordan-shakespeare-land. well, they could. but they are pretty derned good. i also found out that my good good friend was also accepted. woot!

also, why is "I Love You Because" such an amazing musical. it's the favorite right now.

school tomorrow? who cares. as long as i dont fail :D. (**knocks on wood)

i'll be going to school in new york officially. so if you go to school up there also, let me know ;).

nothing to bitch about lately....


EXCEPT MY MOTHER!!!!!
i just remembered. wow. one sec, lemme gather my thoughts.

ok. so it was grandmother's 80th birthday this past sunday and she paid for all of us (all 23 of us O_o) to come from all over the country. alaska, n. carolina, new orleans. you name it. and when shelley gets there holy jesus christ i could kill her. i love her sometimes. this trip was not that time.
shelley has a very bad habit. whenever she is in a public place or with family, she has the 100% expected tendency to initiate, insist, and prolong all conversation whenever the fuck possible. no lie, if you start talking to my mother, you age 10x faster then normal. a good example: we're in target one day and she was walking past some sweaters. loudly, because a woman, alone, is also in the sweater area, my mother says, "ooh jordan, these are so nice. come feel this," WHILE FUCKING LOOKING RIGHT AT THE OTHER WOMAN. WHAT THE FUCK. within 5 minutes, while shelley smoothly operates the entire conversation, is already talking about her three sons but mainly me since i'm right there. she is talking about schools that i attented, the school i'm attending now and all of the colleges i've fucking applied to. she's also covered what i plan on majoring in and what languages she thinks i speak.
~((**for clarification, i speak english fluently. not spanish, french, and japanese, too. she seriously tells people that because A.)i took spanish for 2 years in high school B.) i'm trying to teach myself japanese, but i havent looked at it months and C.) i USED to be fluent in french, now i can only understand bits and pieces so now i'm gonna minor in it.**)~
seriously? it's to rub into the woman's face what shelley thinks is her fucking achievement in life. i had to pull her SLOWLY away by pinching her, kicking her when the woman turned away, and then finally began piling into the basket all sorts of goodies i later got for xmas. that workeds. she talked for an hour in target, ladies and gents. that, to me, is one of the most fucking pretentious and self-absorbed things you can do. in front of me. EDFGJNSD;LFKJGSD;LKFJG;LAFDKJG;LAFJ;G. wow. (end example.)
So we're in new york, remember? and the the adults of the family are playing the socialites they actaully are, and shelley is a sore thumb in this crowd. she isn't blood related like everyone else and she tries too hard. so hard, that everyone notices the exact same thing i notice concerning her habit. runs in the family, i guess. so she follows her natural routine of catching everyone up with how things are in her life (or lack thereof). same as above: the schools, the languages, etc. she usually mentions that emeril (yes, emeril lagasse, that chef guy) is my older brother's godfather but they all know it. but she couldn't help this time talking about how we lost everything in the hurricane, "we don't know where we're going to live next." BULLSHIT. ps: everyone except shelley is over the hurricane. it's one thing to tell people, it's another to exaggerate on the whole katrina experience. anyway, there was an entire week of shelley talking most of the time and everyone else some of the time. really. so sunday comes along and its plane rides for everyone back home. just our luck: we get stuck in chicago for 5 hours due to delays. whatever. shelley was being good about her habit. until....
she makes her move on some schmoe going (alone) to a medical technology conference in new orleans. for the last hour she goes through the usual routine on this guy. i'm sitting on one side of shelley while the schmoe sits on the other. and when she finishes one of her sentences i stop her and whisper to her the occasional, "stop talking to him," "stop telling people about me and my life," things like that. and she doesn't stop talking, but she isn't talking about me anymore. well, an annoucement is made about the plane arriving soon. a family behind us in line for boarding line A passes us up while we are just standing up. the teenage kid of the family of four has a jesuit sweatshirt on. when they are standing right in front of us, shelley calls the guy an asshole loud enough so that they can hear. I. AM. PISSED. so she starts loudly calling jesuit parents scum in her own way. i don't give a rat's ass about jesuit and brother martin rivalry. so in the corridor that leads to the plane, shelley something again about jesuit people being dirtbags or whatever. I yell out, "Just, stop it." And she turns to me and point with gritted teeth and has the balls to fucking further embarass me and say, "YOU BETTER NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. AND YOU BETTER NOT FORGET WHO YOU ARE." of course, NOW the heads turn. jesus fucking christ shelley. firstly, i won the war already. because i'd rather her be openly angry with me than with innocent people who just want to get home to. the jesuit parents? they thought we were sitting and not waiting in line. get over it. also, i'd like to remind all of the frustrated sons and daughters of the world that they are responsible for choosing their parents' nursing homes when they become elderly and senile. think happy thoughts. :) and shelley? oh she apologized for losing her temper and fussing. do the witnesses of shelley's blind fury know that? of course not. because she wanted to show what little power she has over me just before i go off to college. tsk, tsk. well, she has few friends, gets depressed and/or angry whenever i go out, and talks about me wherever she goes to whoever is within earshot. there you have it. the sad, mid-life crisis ridden life of shelley shakespeare. on that note: "So sad to bee arr arone in da wudd." [[i couldn't help myself.]]

cheers to being young AND restless.

the few rehearsals tha we've had so far have been great.
"Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life!" sounded pretty fiya tonight.

Alexis sang "Gimme Gimme!" tonight for the first time. She belted the last note
and amazingness ensued. That girl's got it goin' on.

We also went through the script today. Already, everyone has the right idea.
...give or take some Ms. Meers lines, but whatever. The show will be amazing.

SCORPIONSWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF. Anyone heard about the two seperate, but recent,
stories of scorpions on planes!! Stinging people!! wtf. i fucking hate those. they're up
there with the fucking spiders. PS: if it crawls, squirms, bites, stings, wtfever it does,
it should not exist. God.... not funny. Not funny at all.

goes see world goes 'round at le petit because those people are the SHITT.
you may have seen the show before, but NO CAFE DU MONDE SCENE. AND NOT 3 HRS.
just vocals and some pretty darn talented people too. seriously, go check it.

i wrote my thoughts down, today. about english class.
yes, the blanks are normally filled with words, but I'm conveying feeling
and expecting no judgement. hints? hardly.
it's a FEEL-ING, remember?
not the open book of my life.
i know you'll try guessing anyway, so at least give up early.

"Maybe it's the ______.
maybe, it's that I haven't _____ _____ in a few weeks.
Or maybe... maybe it's just what happened to me over the X-mas break.
Whatever it was, it has sparked something new inside me, about ____.
I like it.
I wonder if it was the same with ____. (the spark and all)
Sure, I have no ______. But it feels different.
Maybe the change in me has changed what I think ___ ________.
Before, it was just looked at as a _________ thing. Naturally, I ignored it.
For some reason, there is _______, now. Out of nowhere.
*sigh* How easily the eyes of ______ see not the _______ of gold. It's just a dream.
I hope it's not just the ______, though.

(O.o)x(T_T)x(♥v♥) = me(now)" [end thought-on-paper]

mr. graydon.

i got mr. graydon.

i don't know how to control the excitement.

College has been freaking all of the seniors out.
...I take that back. College has been freaking most of the seniors out.
This stress is caused by many things, but mainly the act of not knowing:

- Why did I get a D in Physics?
- Why didn't I get an F, even though the teacher took the time to mention the fact that I failed the exam on the report card?
- Why did I take Physics in the first place?
- Because I wanted to take Biology II and in order to take Bio II, I had to take Physics, which meant fucking double science in my senior year?
- Didn't I want to take that class because I wanted to go into a medical career?
- Why do I have a B in what's basically an honors class like Biology II and a D in a class where the retarded football players that sit next to me get Bs?
- Why did I want to go into medical?
- Why did Penn State accept me into their School of Science and tell me that I can still go there and major in International Business, even though I'd still have to take all science classes?
- Why don't I work as hard as I should?
- Why do I want to be friends with mostly intellectuals, even though I study and take tests like I'm legally retarded?
- What the fuck?
- Why did I apply to colleges that I didn't want to go to?
- Why did I do everything concerning colleges last minute, even though I had a whole 10 days "experience" to understand that it was basically "now or never".
- Why do I do theatre, even though everything about me wreaks of "average male chorus member"?
- Why haven't I ever had someone that I can call a best friend?
- Why do I suck at relationships, and still want to always be in one?
- Why do I suck at most video games and still care about them?
- What if I don't get accepted to Stony Brook University, the only school in New York that I've applied to?
- What if I do get accepted and I hate it?
- What if I regret everything when I leave home?
- What if I don't miss it?
- What if I don't get to leave Louisiana?
- What do I really want to do for a living?
- Why does anything matter?
- Why do we exist?

Well, who cares? Right?....ok, no more questions. I do know that none of this matters. Not really, but I'm trying to let it sink in. It just doesn't. Being alive (and not dead) is good. That much is true. Laughter and happiness are good. Friends are good, most of the time. Let's forget about all of the shit that people beleive matters for something, like college and "fiscal responsibilites". We need to worry about ourselves (and those we TRULY care about) and that's it. That. is. it. I remembered, while typing this, one of my proudest moments. So, I'll dish it out before I try to go to bed.
In my freshman year of high school, the members of the Brother Martin Marching Band got to go to Disney World and march on Easter Day in a parade on Main Street. Including Easter Day, we stayed for four days, which included one day at Universal Studios. The day at Universal Studios was the first day and it was spent specifically at Islands of Adventure. Anyway, one of the attractions, I guess it's called since it's not a ride at all, was called Poseidon's Fury. It's a thing where you walk around and you have a guide and you go through a cave and there's fire... It was lame. But, at the beginning of the "show", a rookie guy is your guide through this wonderful cave of wonders and he is on radio contact with the professor, who decided to go deep in the cave with no accompaniment or whatever. This is important I promise. The rookie hears the Professor's cries for help against the who-knows-what and then the professor's voice cuts out. The rookie is scared, and is telling people everything is fine, when it is clearly not fine. So now, 30-something people and myself are in room with a bad actor and all of the doors are locked (hot, right?). The rookie says, "Oh no! This is terrible! How could possibly get any worse?!!" Guess what? The power cuts out. Pitch black. So, I'm such an asshole to ruin the moment of silence before the doors open to a new path, but this was quite possibly the most glorious moment of my life. Back to the story... So the power cuts out and not two seconds go by before I yell in the darkness, "It could be raining!" Everyone laughed. I can brag about this, they weren't just giggling. They were laughing. Because no one expected and it was really quite funny. The timing was perfect. The actor was laughing (out of character BETCH!!) and it was awesome. So a second after my comment, the lights come back on. Everyone is still laughing. But no one knows who that guy was. I was with A single friend then, but he couldn't believe I had said it. I have not been prouder since then. Because I had made people laugh and smile. Cliches = still in and still funny.

We live for moments like that. Moments that we can be proud of. Moments that we can look back to and enjoy. Moments where people forget about everything and become happy for a few minutes, or seconds even. And we live for love, too, but that's for people with really really good luck. Maybe my luck just sucks....try saying that 5 times fast. It's not that hard. But I still want you to do it.

Think about this. Sweet dreams.

i wish that caring enough mattered for something.
a lot less people would be dead, alot of things would be right,...

and alot of people would be much happier.

this is for laura. because, it's us. and we rock.



hope this works...

is the entry i'm writing.
the new year has just begun. this is going to be a big one. i can feel it.
no hurricane, i think. but some big things will happen this year.

anyway, animaniacs has to be one of the best shows ever created. especially if you love MT.

What do I want? I'll be straight-forward. What. do. I. want?
Do I want a single person to care about all of the things that I do, all of the things I that want? Yes.
Why? ...wait, no-I mean yes... o_O What if I don't want myself, or someone just like me?

I want many things: love, a lover, nice clothes, money, change(not the coins), the motivation to clean my room, the time of when I will die, no headaches, no any-kind of aches, to know what lies ahead,.... the list goes on.
I want people to care about other people the right way.
At a friend's New Year's Party that I was attending, a kid threatened to commit suicide, out-loud ....BECAUSE SOMEONE HAD TOLD HIM THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS SUPPOSEDLY AT THE MOVIES WITH SOME OTHER GUY. ARE YOU FUCK-ING KIDDING ME?!?! This kid was yelling and screaming and crying and he did not care that other people heard him cursing and hollering. HOW FUCKING SELFISH CAN SOMEONE BE? To claim that you will commit suicide because someone told you that your girlfriend was seen at the movies with "some other guy"?! FUCK YOU. There is so much more to life than that of a fucking high school relationship. Benefit of commiting suicide? What is it? I'm asking. To end pain? Whose pain? Who's a victim? Well, Mr. Suicidal High School Student, the pain doesn't just "go away". Sure, YOUR pain goes away. But what about the family and friends who care about you NOW. Fuck them, right? They'll only miss you when you're gone. They don't care about you right now. THAT is exactly why suicide is quite possibly the most selfish human act in all of existence. How dare you threaten to kill yourself. To flood guilt into the minds of those who are responsible for taking care of you and those guilty only of loving you. Who cares if your girlfriend was "maybe" seen at the movies with some other guy? Who cares if your biggest fear in the world is losing your girlfriend? And who the fuck cares if you're bipolar? Wise up, sonny boy. Otherwise, life is going to be goddamn awful if you think losing your girlfriend is worth killing yourself over.
I want people to care about the things that I care about. Like how dumb suicide is. Why don't people who deserve wrong become the victims of wrongdoing? Why don't people who deserve good receive just that tenfold?

Why I am bitter? I just asked myself and I don't know why. Why do I care and speak so fervently on the matter? Because I think too much and overanalyze things so much so that I get caught up in the things that don't matter, but they don't matter only because I know about things without experiencing anything for myself.
A good friend pointed out to me recently that I analyze just about everything. And watching me do so has made that person to actually think about things that they say and do, as opposed to just saying and doing what they feel, consequences or not.
-This a gift and a curse which should be known about me.
This is a gift because I see many sides of things. And people learn from this, if they pay attention. But, this is a curse because I see without experiencing little or anything at all on my own. One would think, logically, that a person can learn from the mistakes of others and be just fine. WRONG! }}------->

A good analogy for this would be a grocery store's cereal aisle. The grocery store manager checks everyday to see what delicious breakfast cereals are available for purchase in the store. He knows all of the brands and flavors, but he doesn't buy cereal. He only drinks *Cow bell*
DIET COKE. *diet coke. diet coke. echoes*
But, a young boy will single-mindedly run down the aisle, search for his favorite cereal while ignoring the other cereals, grab the right one, and will return it to his mother's basket, beaming the whole way back. God forbid that the grocery store manager ever try some cereal. And the same goes for the boy who doesn't see any of the other tasty and delicious breakfast cereals. The analytical mind would be the grocery store manager and anyone young who speaks and acts without thinking, who loves to love, no matter what, would be the young boy. It's hard to want your cake and eat it, too. But you know what? This grocery store manager WANTS some fucking Trix Cereal. My mind is made up. And as I walk down the aisle, arriving at the holy shrine of glorious Trix Cereal, I realize. "Silly grocery store manager, Trix are for kids." I still want it, but I can't have it, because I care too much that customers might see me with a box of Trix Cereal. That a child will actually pop up behind me and say that stupid phrase and take my fucking cereal. Well, someday, this grocery store manager will have enough courage to take that box of Trix Cereal from it's shelf, open it, and eat it right there. In front of everyone. Will I share? Fuck no. Get your own. Don't like it? Get some fucking Life cereal, just down the aisle. I'm not a mean person. I just don't care for very long. Maybe other children will see me counting the cereals and realize that there are other options out there. Cereals that other people like. They don't even have to like the other choices of cereal. I just want them to know that they are present. That their cereal co-exists with other cereals.

And why the fuck is it 4:15am?? (edit *** 4:20am)

I hate the New Year's celebration. It makes me depressed, and I don't know why. Is it because the year's ending? Or perhaps it's that another slow year is just starting up? Well, the glass of Veuve Clicquot Demi-Sec is half-empty on that one, folks. Cheers to a new year! And bottoms up.

My goodness. What an enormous task it is to sit and have a go at my first LJ entry. Where to start? I'll start with a brief overview of what I did today and the thoughts that accompany the events. Then I'll ramble. "Proceed, Moon."

Today, at around 2pm, I went to Regenelli's, and got one of my favorite sandwiches, "the Uptowner". I was there with five good friends, including one I hadn't seen in awhile.) The rest, on the other hand, spent the day with me yesterday seeing Dream Girls and just driving around and belting showtunes and such. After lunch, we went to Clearview so that someone could get a haircut. Then we headed to Elmwood to buy tickets for "Black Xmas." We hung out at a friend's house and sang buku songs outloud, windows-down. We went to the movie, meeting up with another friend in the process. It was appalling. The movie, that is. (nameless A) considered it a date because I sat next to them in a scary movie. Then, I was driven home. The day ended around 10:30pm, when I was dropped off at home.

Reflecting on minor events of today...
-(nameless A) has a crush on me, and is making it known. Today was filled with many awkward, but welcome moments. Awkward may not be the word.
-(nameless B) doesn't want to date me, just make out with me.

Speaking of which, I answered (nameless B), "I just don't want to make out with you." So I got into a huge, personal conversation with that person about relationships (even though we all know that making out and relationships have nothing to do with each other), while (nameless A) listened to the core of the conversation, making things ever-awkward (awkward is still not the right word). Only interesting because my views have changed concerning relationships, but only a little. Still, I repeat, "MY VIEWS HAVE BEEN CHANGED!!" Ding dong, hello. My opinions on ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING are set in stone, once enough information on the subject has been gathered. So, lingering on any issue and discussing it in depth CAN change my mind and the way I look at an issue. But ONLY if the other person involved in the conversation backs up their point(s), asks the right questions, gives the right answers, and listens. (Before the conversation,) I don't(/didn't) go into a relationship when I know or think it will end. I do this, I learned, because I hate pain/heartbreak and I would much rather do without suffering of any sort. Lame, right? Many think so. The grief and baggage of a break-up is 100% preventable. Easy enough. So just quit relationships unless you think they're well worth it. Problem solved. But I realize that I am dumb. Sooooo dumb, ignorant, blind, and afraid. Rather, I'm not afraid, but I'm a wimp concerning relationships. Truly. The lightbulb went off. OK, so I see my fault here. How do I change it? Well, I have the opprotunity now. I have a crush at the moment (before the conversation, but the timing is oddly impeccable.) Should I take the risk and travel the road not taken? Am I unprepared for the change of heart, or should I just jump into a relationship after this coincidental enlightenment and say "Screw you, Worry"? How about "friends with benefits"? These questions remain and the answers will come eventually(, hopefully.) Soooo many questions. Many people go into relationships readily, caring not about the what-ifs. I am not, though, many people. I am "I" only. Deep conversations that shift my beliefs and previous conceptions of things make me depressed. It doesn't happen often, let me just tell you. And after all of the thought, I become exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is a big deal, for me. Monumental, in fact, in my life. Did I start a LJ because of this personal psychological fiasco? Signs point to "Yes", even though I only meant to subconciously, searching for way to vent and express my feelings (I have those?!). This is one fucking beast of a paragraph, by. the. way. Anywho, this whole thing isn't like, "Wait, I'm wrong?!?!" Because, nothing is wrong, as far as opinions go. Just...different, is all. --*sigh*-- "Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa. Mea maxima maxima culpa."

*broadway breathing* Thank you, thank you. That took alot out of me, because that was not normal venting. Just saying.

Maybe talking to people about it is better for this kind of thing than to just LJ it.

I liked Dreamgirls, alot. I saw it twice. My love goes to those who saw it it with me, either or both times.

By the way, I hate when people hate me. Or hate in general, even. I hate it more than many things. That's a whole 'nother LJ entry, though. Rather, I hate when people hate others, and don't have a good reason to hate. That makes a person foolish. FOOL-ISH. People throw strong words around, such as "love" and "hate". Think before you hate, because chances are good that you don't really know what the fuck it means to hate people. Get your shit together and go through a fucking dictionary every once in a while. "Lord, What fools these mortals be."

Right now, there is a sort of clique (not negative) of which I am involved. A group consisting of the dears mentioned above who spent the day with me today. It is a good group. It may end when holidays do, but that's up to us. Let's keep it alive, for my heart grows weary of change (and previous routine soon to be revived).

This entry makes me look a little self-centered. I'm not. Well... I am, but not that much. Whatever. Goodnight.

Memorable quotes from today:
-"I can't wait to be with the guy I'm gonna marry, so I can fuck his brains out." -loud.
-"Fuck Christmas!!" -Drunk girl in movie, Lauren(she wasn't drunk at the time).(from Black Xmas)
-"Fuck you, Santa Claus!!" -Botox lady/Clair's sister, Leigh.(Also from Black Xmas)

Random quote of the day:
-"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be." -George Carlin